Broadway Stars Lament and Love TV at the Tony Awards: The Lyrics to the TV Medley
By Adam Hetrick
June 10, 2013
During the 67th Annual Tony Awards at Radio City Music Hall, a handful of Broadway stars took a moment to celebrate, lament and come clean about why they love performing on television shows.
The specialty comedy song – a medley of several Broadway show tunes – was created by five-time Tony Award nominee Michael John LaChiusa (Giant, Queen of the Mist, Marie Christine).
Here are the lyrics to the number, which was performed by Tony host Neil Patrick Harris (Cabaret, "How I Met Your Mother"), Andrew Rannells (The Book of Mormon, "The New Normal"), Megan Hilty (Wicked, "Smash") and Laura Benanti (Gypsy, "Go On," "The Playboy Club").
Scroll to the bottom to watch the video from the Tony Awards broadcast.
Hey, there's a lot of great things about doing t.v.: the perks. The pay. The private jets. The craft service. But it's nothing like doing live theatre. It's where I have my roots.
[to the tune of "AMERICA"] I LIKE TO BE ON A T.V. SHOW.
Yes, the theatre. It's home, Neil. Theatre will always be my true home.
I LIKE TO BE ON A T.V. SHOW.
And I know that, no matter how many sitcoms or crime dramas or groundbreaking cable series I may star in, I will always be welcomed back to the theatre with warm and open arms!
I LIKE TO STAR ON A T.V. SHOW!
MUY POPULAR ON A T.V. SHOW!
CHAUFFEUR AND CAR WITH A T.V. SHOW!
THAT'S IF YOU ARE ON A T.V. SHOW.
I love the theatre but —
NO TWO-A-DAY ON A T.V. SHOW!
NO MATINEE ON A T.V. SHOW!
VERY NICE PAY ON A T.V. SHOW!
IF YOU CAN STAY ON A T.V. SHOW.
Now you're just being a douche —
Hey, boys… [to the tune of "GOTTA HAVE A GIMMICK"]
GO WORK YOUR AGENT SUBMISSIONS
& CATTLE CALL AUDITIONS
DON'T THINK IT WON'T TAKE YOU FAR;
BUT YOU GOTTA HAVE A SERIES
IF YOU WANNA BE A STAR!
Megan —that's not true!
LAND A BROADWAY SHOW, SURE,
BUT IF YOU WANT EXPOSURE
A SITCOM HELPS TO BURNISH YOUR NAME.
YOU GOTTA HAVE A SERIES
IF YOU WANT A SHOT AT FAME!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'LL DRINK TO THAT!
(LAURA enters, half-finished Scotch bottle in hand.)
[to the tune of "LADIES WHO LUNCH"]
HERE'S TO THE ACTORS WITH SHOWS
MAKING TONS OF BUCKS.
LINING UP THEIR DUCKS IN PROVERBIAL ROWS;
LUCKY SONS OF SCHMUCKS.
BOTH MY SHOWS WERE CANCELLED, IT'S TRUE.
NO JOKE. HA HA. NOT ONE SHOW, BUT TWO!
AND SO I RAISE MY BOTTLE TO YOU:
Wow, Laura, that's bitter —
Yeah? Well, we all can't be like Will Chase can we? His show got canceled but at least he's nominated for something tonight.
And Will wasn't even ON the second season of "Smash."
Suck it, Will Chase.
Yeah, suck it, Will.
Guys, guys —doing T.V. has its pros and cons. And just like the theatre, you sometimes have a hit and sometimes you don't. We all can't have a long-running T.V. hit like my show—
—and even though your shows were canceled, the upside is that you can always come home to the theatre!
[to the tune of "WHAT I DID FOR LOVE"]
KISS L.A. GOODBYE.
IT'S BACK TO FOUR SHOWS WEEKENDS.
DELI FOOD AND SKETCHY EQUITY INSURANCE PACKAGES.
WHAT I DID FOR—
AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF MONEY.
WHAT I DID FOR —
A REALLY COOL LOFT IN TRIBECA.
WHAT I DID FOR —
THE CHANCE FOR PRODUCERS AND DIRECTORS AND WRITERS AND CASTING AGENTS AND JUST, WELL, EVERYBODY TO SEE ME AND LOVE ME BECAUSE AFTER ALL, THAT'S ESSENTIALLY WHAT WE ALL CRAVE. BECAUSE NOBODY EVER HUGGED US AS CHILDREN WHICH IS HOW WE GOT INTO THIS BUSINESS IN THE FIRST PLACE. ESPECIALLY YOU, NEIL.